I’m really close to godliness these days

Well, I’ve been listening to Jazz for about two weeks now, and there has already been a drastic change.
The minute I plugged my earbuds into my ears, I felt this strong urge to clean everything.
I lost track of the time and ended up cleaning my whole room.
That was only the beginning.
I thought maybe that the initial effect had worn off, but a couple of days ago, my chore was to empty and fill the dishwasher. I got my headphones, turned on my playlist, and before I knew it, I had cleaned the main floor in it’s entirety (except for my parents room and the bathroom).
It’s so motivational!
And whenever I listen to it, I feel so 40′s-esque. It makes me want to don a fedora and trench coat, head down to the local diner, and order “the usual”.
I feel so… classy.
It’s interesting; last month’s genre caused me to go into a state of lethargy, and this month’s genre has transformed me into Mr. Clean.
What are the odds that they would be grouped next to each other? Maybe it has nothing to do with what I’m listening to, and my brain is making me become over-motivated to compensate for last month’s languid manner.

But then again, I think it does have something to do with the music, because the urge to clean didn’t come on until I started listening to it. Yes, the music definitely does play a part in this.
Okay then, completely disregard what I said earlier. Or I could just cut that part out when I edit the post.
And I know you might be thinking,
“Well, if you’re soooo motivated, then why haven’t you posted in forever?”.
I have one word for you, baby.
Life.
Life goes on.
Life gets in the way, and things get put off until tomorrow, then the next day, then the next day, and so on, and so forth. And I apologize. I guess I haven’t really been “on top of things” lately. Mostly, I’ve just been trying to stay afloat.
I still haven’t gotten an interview from my mom or my sister about my behavior last month, and I should probably do that before they forget what they observed.
Now I need to go to bed, because I stayed up late writing this post just for you.
Consider it your Christmas gift.

Very weird, indeed

Despite what you may think, I did not fall off the face of the earth. I just forgot to post for almost a whole month.
I know, I suck.
Since the last time I posted, I moved on from Emo, and am now listening to Mainstream Pop (on which, you can blame for my complete lack of motivation to do anything.)
Some of the artists that I’m listening to are Travie McCoy, Britney Spears, Katy Perry, Justin Bieber (bleh), One Direction (double bleh), Lady Gaga, and more people like that.
This has also been a very hectic month, with my eldest sister and her daughters moving in with us because her husband joined the army, and is currently in basic training.
So, at least I have one viable excuse for the lack of updates.
I have also been forgetting to write down overviews lately, and they kept piling up, but I was too exhausted to think. So I made a basic summery of this month instead of the usual overview.
Here goes:

———————————————–
This month, as I have stated before, has had me in a state of lethargy like no other. I barely even want to get out of bed in the morning. I really don’t want to do anything at all. My idea of fun is sitting and reading, drawing, or something like that.
Well, I guess that is doing something, just not a very active something.
It’s also driving my little sister crazy, because she always wants to do something active, go outside, run around and play. Whenever she wants to do something, for some reason, she can’t do it alone. She won’t go outside and do something if I don’t; She’ll just sit there and nag me until I (begrudgingly) comply.
I always ask her “can’t you just do something by yourself?” but she usually says something along the lines of “Well, that’s no fun!”.
I don’t think she gets the concept of
“alone time”. I need alone time, or I’ll be in a horrible mood. All day.
But anyway, listening to pop has been a mixed experience, because I hate the style of lyrics, but the actual music is so catchy. First off, the lyrics have no point to them. There aren’t any hidden or parallel meanings. No artistic depth. The words don’t make you think about what you’re hearing. They’re just idle, truistic, motionless words that are carelessly thrown around and almost impossible to relate to. They mean nothing.
But the music is rhythmic and almost addicting. I know that the music is just a marketing trick to get everyone to buy the song, but still.
I. Can’t. Stop. Listening.
When I turn it on, it usually goes something like this:

turns on song

“oh my gosh, I hate this song. It’s lyrics are so dirty and horrible. Why would they even sing about something like that?”

song ends

starts song over

You see? Addicting.
This is exactly the opposite of what I thought would happen, which is that I would be so energized and motivated to do everything. I would start waking up earlier, start jogging, maybe start to be a little more out-going… But, no.
I haven’t really felt moody per se; mostly I just want to be left the crap alone, if I so choose.
In my opinion, I’ve been slower to get angry or retaliate, but who knows, I could be perceiving myself wrongly.

I’ve mostly been forgetting my dreams once I wake up, but there are a couple that have stood out to me.
In fact, the past two nights, I’ve had two dreams following the same storyline.
My older sister comes in, does something unreasonable (e.g. Throws a coffee mug at me), says something unreasonable and leaves, then I cuss her out as she walks away.
They were two very different dreams, but the same meaning and outcome.
Hmm… I cuss a lot in my dreams.
———————————————–

And speaking of the opposite of what I expected, I interviewed my mom about my overall behavior last month, and this is what she said:

Me: So, how did I act last month?

Mom: I thought you were very alert to what was going on around you, versus being off and in your own thoughts. I’ve noticed that you were definitely more interactive with people around you. Not that you were completely withdrawn before, but there was a difference.

Me: That’s kinda the opposite of what I would think, because last month I was listening to Emo.

Mom: Oh… Wow.

I had also interviewed Jackie and a friend of ours (both from a biased perspective) off the record, and they said exactly the opposite. They told me that the very first day, they saw a difference. I was less active, I talked less, I spaced out more, I was lazy, I would get mad easily, and so on. Maybe I was subconsciously acting different around different people. Weird.

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Talking animals? That must mean… I’m in Narnia!

Three days ago, Hawk Nelson was scheduled to play in Indianapolis, and my sister, her friend, and I were planning on going. We had been planning how to get there, who was going to take us, how long we’ll be gone, and stuff like that for months.
We were all so freaking excited.
You can imagine our collective disappointment when two days before the concert, they completely dropped out of the whole tour. I don’t think they even explained why. I wouldn’t be this frustrated if it weren’t for Jason Dunn (the lead singer) leaving the band at the beginning of May, and that being our final chance to see Hawk Nelson live with the original lead singer EVER.
After the news broke, I went through the 5 stages of grief. Seriously.
Okay, okay.
Rant=Done.

And now—you know the drill— it’s overview time.
———————————————–
Mood: I didn’t have a predominant mood today. It depended on the current situation.
Temper: none.
Attitude: I had a moderate one, so I was really trying not to step on any toes.
Sleep cycle: went to sleep at 11:45, slept until 4:30, went back to sleep, woke up at 8:30.
Anxiety/stress: not a lot, but not a normal amount, either.
Thoughts: I wasn’t thinking about just one thing, I was more focused on things that were happening at the time.
Dreams: I had a dream that I was stuck in a fenced field with about four other people, and a herd of horses. Half of these horses were docile and mild-tempered. The other half were just plain mean. Myself and the other people had to find a way out of the field, and the only conceivable way of going about that was to climb on one of the nicer horses, and jump over the fence.
I saw a white horse that was near me, so I tried to sneak over to it and climb on its back. But once I got to it, a yellow horse pushed me out of the way and started chasing me around the field. I ran in a big circle and towards the white horse again. I was coming up behind it, so I made some noise to let it know I was there. I vaulted over its rump, landed on its back, and grabbed the reins (which were made of a big rubber band) and yelled
“Come on, let’s go! Hyah!” and stuff like that. It started running towards the fence, and it said
“Hold on tight!” and I said
“You can TALK?!”.
Then we vaulted the fence and the yellow horse followed. The white horse was running really fast, but the yellow one was gaining on us, so I said
“Run faster or I’ll…” (I threatened it with something, but I forget exactly what).
And then I woke up.
Level of confidence (1-10): my confidence level has been staying at about 7 for the past few days.
Enthusiasm: more than usual.
Notes: It’s been really hard to focus on a task and getting things done for the past week. I try and try, but my attention span just isn’t what it used to be.
But get this: I can focus if, and only if I have music playing. It’s like I’m becoming dependent on it. Almost like a drug. I wonder what the detox would be like.
If music were a drug, would it come in pill form, or would you smoke it? They would probably be categorized by genre.
Pop, Techno, and Hip-Hop would probably be the stronger party drugs.
Jazz, Classical, and Easy-Listening would be something like a hookah.
We all know what Psychedelic would be.
*cough cough* Shrooms.

Hmmm… I don’t know what to do now.
Random funny picture time?

I’ll think of a title later…

Happy Saint Paddy’s!
Hopefully, you didn’t forget that was today and as a result, didn’t wear green… Like I did.
Yeah. I got pinched.

It’s a little over half-way through the month, and I’ve been having a good time overall. I think I may be a little more emotional than usual. Oh well.

So, since I haven’t updated this blog for 11 days, I’ll just jump right into yesterday’s overview:

———————————————–
Mood: Generally happy.
Temper: None.
Attitude: Some, but it was only playful sarcasm.
Sleep cycle: Went to bed at 12-something, woke up once at 6:30, went back to sleep, woke up at 9:00.
Anxiety/stress: Absolutely none.
Thoughts: Mostly on what was happening at the time.
Dreams: I dreamt that I was sitting on my front porch with my sister, and I was thinking about the moon. I was pondering lunar cycles and wondering when the next lunar eclipse was going to happen. Then suddenly, a colony of bats emerged from behind a grove of trees and flew over my head. Now, these bats weren’t your average bats with little bodies and short, fluttery wings. No. These things were massive. They had huge bodies and long veiny limbs, and instead of short wings, they had long, flowing, Hefty Bag-like wings that glided a good distance past the end of their bodies. They didn’t even fly like normal bats. Normals bats fly rapidly and they usually make this weird clicking/chirping noise. These things flew more like hawks— Slow; Gliding; Silent — I could go on and on describing these monsters. They flew over our heads and perched in the trees across from our house, which is weird because it was daytime.
Then the dream switched, and I was standing in my front yard and three of my friends bought six identical clown costumes. They all dressed up and lined up all the costumes— including the empty ones— and I was supposed to guess which ones were inhabited. I tried tickling each one, but then I noticed a sticker on the side that said “tickle-guard”. That meant that they wouldn’t feel me tickling them and I had to figure it out another way. Before I could guess again, I woke up.
Level of confidence (1-10): 9.
Enthusiasm: A lot.
Notes: Not a lot happened during the day, but towards the evening, I went to my sisters house and watched a movie called “Tucker and Dale vs. evil”. It’s going in my top-ten.
That’s all that really happened today. It seemed like a lot more before I wrote it down.
Oh, and today is my parents 25th wedding anniversary!
Just think. That’s a quarter of a century. I can’t even wrap my mind around it right now.
———————————————–

Now I’m back home, and my sister has a couple friends over. So far, we’ve played a pop-drinking game, danced with only a strobe light on, and I think we might play truth-or-dare later. I’m in the middle of a sugar-crash, so I think I’m going to end this blog post now, before it starts not making sense.

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Happy Medium

It’s March. And it’s still cold. Spring needs to hurry up.

So, real quick, let me just say that I’m taking Gothic off of the playlist for this month. The reason is that I couldn’t find a lot of bands within the genre that didn’t have to do with Wicca, the Occult, or something like that. And I’m not putting that crap in my ears. (You’re welcome, Family).
I’ve been listening to Emo for almost a week now, and I’ve definitely seen differences from last month already. It’s been really easy to get mad lately, and I’ve found myself yelling at someone without even thinking about it. But, it’s been easier to get up in the morning, and I’ve been more rested than normal.
There’s never a happy medium, is there?

Two days ago, I conducted another interview with my Mom (the un-biased observer) and Jackie (the biased observer). This is the manuscript:

———————————————–

Me: So, how was my behavior last month?

Mom: I thought you were a little more upbeat. I wouldn’t say “manic” by any stretch of the word. Just a little more upbeat, but still a thoughtful, normal you. It seemed a little easier for you to deal with stress. It seemed easier for you to decide not to let it affect you. I noticed that a few times.

Me: Alright, what about you (Jackie)?

Jackie: Well, I noticed more boring moments than the month before… That’s my input.

———————————————–

I never got around to listing the artists I’m listening to, so…
This month, I’m listening to Saosin, Hawthorne Heights, The Summer Set, Alesana (their lighter stuff), Something Corporate, and other bands like them.

Something I learned really quick this month:
I. Hate. Hawthorne Heights. Hate it.

Cherish Every Moment

Wow, I forgot to post for two weeks!
Sorry about that.
In my last post, it had been one week into the month, and now it’s February 22nd and I have one week left in the month.
Time flies so fast.

I’ve been looking through the overviews I’ve written down so far, and I found that for about five straight days last month, I had forgotten to write down my sleep cycle and dreams, and I can’t remember what my sleep cycle and dreams were in those five days.
I guess it’ll be forever shrouded in mystery.

Since its only one week until March, I’ll give you a little preview of next months genre.
Next month I’ll be listening to Emo/Gothic. And just like dubstep and techno, these two genres are different from eachother, but alike enough to be grouped together. “Emo” is short for “emotional”, and the name couldn’t be more accurate. The lyrics are emotional, angsty, and a lot of times very catchy. (to me, at least).
The style of music can sound heavy but can also sound soft, can be piano-based, and acoustic guitar is usually prominent. “Emo” is also a sub-culture that has been rising out of obscurity that consists of heavy eyeliner, dark colors, choppy hair, skinny jeans, and sad/angry music. let me just define the line between the music and the sub-culture:
Emo music is not bound to the sub-culture. The genre was here before the whole “Emo” stereotype, but the stereotype is starting to describe the music, when they are really two completely different things.

Now, I never really read about goth rock and didn’t know much about it; so I had to consult the omniscient Wikipedia. According to the article, goth music was formed in the 1970′s as a sub-genre of post-punk, but as it progresses into the 1980′s, it started branching off and forming it’s own style. Its exclusive attributes are dark and often keyboard-heavy music paired with introspective and depressing lyrics. My family is going to be so sick of me by the end of March.

Well, now that I’ve filled your brains with useless facts, it’s time for yesterday’s overview:

Mood: happy for most of the day, then around 4:30, I started getting really scared and sad.
Temper: none.
Attitude: none.
Sleep cycle: Went to sleep at 1:30, slept until 4-ish, went back to sleep until 8:30.
Anxiety/stress: multitudes of both.
Thoughts: contemplating/fretting over the future and the uncertainty of the whole unavoidable ordeal of growing up.
Dreams: dreamt that we went to a carnival/fair and went through a completely awesome maze-type thing. Indiana jones themed, I think.
Level of confidence (1-10): 7-and-a-half.
Enthusiasm: a normal amount.
Notes: my dad mentioned today that I should start to practice driving more often, now that I’m fifteen and a half. I am terrified of driving. The only thing I think of when I imagine me behind the wheel, is a car wreck. And learning to drive leads to other responsibilities like getting a job, paying taxes, picking a college, growing up, moving out, getting married, and then bringing children into this messed up world that we live in, thus, repeating the cycle. Not to mention voting, paying off debts, trying to work through the numerous marital fights that are bound to happen, mediating fights between children, trying to put food on the table while still paying the bills and gas money, all the problems with the government, and the unstoppable evils in the world.
It’s as if all the odds are stacked against us. I know I must sound depressed and even a tad whiny, but this stuff is real and impossible to ignore.
To me, learning how to drive is the symbol of the coming-of-age. The doorway to the jacked-up world that I have to live in and fight against for the rest of my life. It all looks impossible. And on top of all that, I can’t cook. If I can’t cook, I can’t feed my family. I’ve been told that I suck at cooking by a person that will remain nameless, and I agree with it just to shut them up. I want to learn to cook, but whenever I try, they look over my shoulder the whole time I’m working, trying to find the slightest slip-up, and once they find it, they laugh, make fun, and then correct whatever infinitesimal mistake I made. I know there has to be good moments in every persons life, but the good moments are exactly that. Moments. Fleeting minutes, even seconds, that need to be appreciated and remembered always. They can only last a short time, but I’m determined to cherish each and every small victory and all of the small slots of time scattered throughout my life that will somehow make it worth living.

Looking out for #1

It’s February 7th, and it’s been a week since I started listening to dubstep and techno. The first time I went to listen to it, I used my deep bass headphones, and it felt like someone was beating my head with a broken microphone. Once I got over the initial shock of the pounding bass, I actually started to listen to what I was hearing. And I actually started to like it. I didn’t think I would. I’ve heard dubstep described as “computer diarrhea”, and before the experiment, I thought “rightly so”, but now, not so much.
In the beginning of this month, I had a short interview
with my Mom (the un-biased observer) and my sister (the biased observer) about my behavior in January, and this is what they had to say:

———————————————–
Me: So mom, how was my behavior this month?

Mom: Well, I noticed that, except for this past week, which had some… Hormonal issues mixed in, you seemed a little more restrained. You would say there was nothing wrong when asked. Um, you didn’t look depressed, but you definitely looked… Thoughtful. A lot of thoughtful going on.

Me: Okay. And, Jacquelyn, how do you think I acted this month?

Jacquelyn: I guess, normal. A little quiet… And boring. And when you were on your period, you were hormonal.

Mom: Downright mean. Well, not mean, just confrontational. Not that that’s bad. (laughs).

Jacquelyn: I think, maybe, you were a little less boring than usual. There were less instances that stood out to me. Yeah. Less instances, definitely.
———————————————–

Aren’t they nice? (sarcasm).

And that brings us to yesterdays overview.

Mood: Nervous about co-op starting in two days.

Temper: Nope.

Attitude: Some.

Sleep Cycle: Went to bed at 10:45, slept until 6-ish, went back to sleep, slept until 8:30, woke up.

Anxiety/stress: Less than yesterday, but still a lot.

Thoughts: I’ve been contemplating about satanism today, and about how it’s very different from what pop culture wants us to believe. There’s no sacrificial ceremonies or consumption of small children. They don’t even believe that satan exists.
(well, I guess that’s only half-true, because there are agnostic-satanists, but I’m not gonna get into that right now).
They just use him as a symbol that represents not resisting temptation and instant pleasure. The whole point of satanism is “oneself over everybody else”.
You are your own god.
Funny thing, that just happens to be the human mentality that we are all born with. Looking out for #1.
Satanism=self before others=human mentality=satanism.
We all act like satanists.
Who’s to say we aren’t all satanists?

Dreams: I had four dreams last night, so I’ll try to boil them down to their simplest possible explanations.
1) Dreamt that my sister wrote a book about herself, and she split the chapters into different stories from her childhood. on the front cover it said there where 8 chapters, but on the back chapter it said there where 17 chapters. We had to read the whole book to find out which.
2) Dreamt I was in Walmart with my sister and we were looking for a certain dish to bake cream puffs in.
3) Dreamt that a wasp wouldn’t stop following me and I was trying to find a way to kill/get rid of it.
4) Dreamt that co-op threw me out, so I made a new friend and we were going to get back at them together, because obviously, he also had some trouble with authority in the past. So we were jumping on the (tall) building. And then I woke up. I don’t really know what we accomplished by standing on the roof, but it must’ve been significant.

Level of confidence (1-10): It was hovering around 4 or 5.

Enthusiasm: A moderate amount.

Notes: So, I made a chart simply explaining my observations of satanism. I was very proud of it until my sister read it and was like “ummm WHAT?!”.
So I’m hiding it now… I think she worries about me.

P.S. I think I made myself clear enough on this subject, but just in case anyone is wondering, I don’t support satanism in any way, and I am definitely not defending it.